Mother’s Day - a bitter sweet occasion

As we approach Mother’s Day 2020 I can’t help but feel grateful but also sad. Quite frankly, it’s a weird position to be in and I’m not really sure how to navigate through it. I am a mother to a fantastic 19 month old who is full of life, has non-stop energy and just started giving the most intense squeeze filled hugs that make your heart want to burst open. Some days he drives me absolutely insane, but I could not imagine my life without him... and that right there is where I start to feel guilty about my sadness.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say as much joy as I know our new baby will bring to my/our life, I can’t help but be sad for the life we won’t have. From the moment he takes his first breath life will be different and unexpected and not just in the way that your life changes whenever you have a child. Our first born son’s life will be thrown completely upside down. My life will be thrown upside down. My husband’s life. Our extended families lives will be thrown upside down as they step up to the plate and take care of a 20 month old that they didn’t sign up for. That doesn’t even begin to touch on our poor baby who will be fighting for his life from the moment he takes his first breath. I did not sign up for this aspect of life and that is so tough to admit. As I lay in bed just 2 nights before my second Mother’s Day, all I can think about is how this was never supposed to be a part of my story. How naive.

I already love this little boy who keeps me up all night with his kicks, aerobics and hiccups and I vow to fight for him every second of his life, but this life we are looking at is a tough pill to swallow. No one ever expects to be a part of the 1 in 100 or any other unplanned situation. You hear of families who are dealing with CHD or see a post go around on Facebook or Instagram and your heart instantly goes out to those affected, but you never think ‘man what if that was us’. At least I never did.

We are less than 10 weeks away from me giving birth to our second son and as excited as I am to meet him, I can’t help but wish I could be pregnant forever. To be able to live in our bubble of “normalcy” for a little longer. For Ryder to be able to still have a life where he’s the center of attention, doesn’t have his parents in 2 separate places at times and him living who knows where, with who knows who. For Garrett and I to have just one sweet baby to worry about and not have to worry about anything other than the normal every day aspects of being parents to a 19 month old. I feel so guilty knowing this is how I feel while there are SO many people that struggle with infertility or have lost a child. It’s a tough position to be in and one that I hope none of you reading this ever need to be.

Being pregnant during a pandemic is isolating enough in itself. Tack on the unknowns and guilt of being pregnant with a child diagnosed with CHD and it takes the isolation to a whole different level. There are so many unknowns with a diagnosis like the one that has been given to our baby and it’s terrifying. Everyone makes pregnancy out to be the most incredible time in our female lives. They tell us that if we’re “young and healthy” that we’ll go on to have these perfect pregnancies and healthy children. No one talks about how that even though I am only 32, I’m completely healthy and have had a healthy, successful, full term pregnancy, that my second could be so different. Everyone just says the “as long as they’re healthy” line and moves on. Unfortunately, that does not apply to our baby and it’s hard to come to terms with even though he is so fiercely loved by me already.

Motherhood is hard.

I will choose to rise above the sadness and celebrate my accomplishments as a Mother, as my second Mother’s Day rolls in. I will try to remind myself that my feelings are justified and that they are okay. I have one perfectly healthy little boy keeping me on my toes right now and I’ll have another incredible son within my reach in just a little over two months.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you Moms out there. Thank you for reading and letting me share my feelings. They are tough to have and even tougher to admit, but knowing the support we have behind us on this journey makes it easier to share how I am truly feeling.

I appreciate all of you. Until our next update xx